1 Samuel 1:8 — Then said Elkanah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?

Joe is unhappy in his job. He’s decided it’s time to up-sticks and move to another state, where he thinks opportunities are better. Sally is quite happy where she is, thank you very much! She has friends around, likes the church and thinks the kids are well placed in the school they’re in. Each knows what the other wants. They throw out little hints now and then — but they don’t bring it out into the open. Neither one wants to argue. Things are cooling between them. They’re not doing as much together … Their sex life isn’t what is was … But “at least we’re not fighting”.
I think Elkanah was a great man. He knew what the sore point was, and he was willing to bring it out into the open. Sadly, he didn’t have an answer — fortunately The Lord did — but there is no doubt that Hannah knew he loved her.
I make no excuse for returning to this most critical of topics. Without communication, and a way to resolve conflict, marriages inevitably fail. When marriages fail, children are left with no more than one full time parent, society is damaged, the church is weakened …
Myra and I have long agreed that three things make our marriage work. They are a set of basic principles, a plan for communication, and a commitment to conflict resolution.
Here are our basic principles:
1) Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another; (Romans 12:10) — in other words, don’t either one insist on having your own way.
2) submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. (Ephesians 5:21) — “one to another” is the key. It goes both ways!
3) Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. (Ephesians 5:22-23) — This is tough for a lot of wives, but it is governed by the first two principles, and Myra asked especially that I would quote her as saying “it works!”
4) Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; (Ephesians 5:25) — In other words, be prepared to lay down your lives for them, day by day, every day!
.5) … the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Ephesians 5:33) — As her husbands love is a key requirement for the wife, so his wife’s request is a key requirement for the husband.

We trust that people who know us see us acting out these principles in our marriage.

Having these principles in mind, our communications plan is simple. We try to manage the small things every day, talking about them morning and evening. We set time aside every Saturday morning to discuss big issues. And there are no big issues that we will run away from. If it’s on my mind or Myra’s mind, we’re going to bring it out in to the open and air it! Lastly, as needed — but about every three months — we have “board meetings” and go through all the major areas of our relationship to make sure we’re on track.
Finally, there’s our commitment to conflict resolution. I don’t have room in a short piece like this to talk about styles of conflict resolution. There are three basic approaches, however — fight, flight, or collaboration. Myra and I believe in collaboration — working to understand each other’s perspective, and figuring out a way forward that is a “plus” for both of us. A key text for us is “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:” (Ephesians 4:26) We’ve had some late night “discussions” — but we’ve never laid awake seething with resentment!
I’m not sure what’s going to happen with Sally and Joe. But I do believe if they committed to resolve the issues that lie between them, plan to communicate, and base their planning on Biblical principles they would be more likely to line their wills up with God’s will, and do the right thing!