Hebrews 13:4 — Marriage is honorable in all …

This is heavy on my heart just now. I have heard of more than one struggling marriage, and I know that no marriage fails without a bitter fall out.

Some of you may know that before The Lord introduced me to Myra I had a previous marriage, that failed after thirteen years. Over the years I’ve reflected on why that was, and been blessed by some very good Biblical teaching.

Did you ever have that feeling … “I wish I could let these kids know now what I didn’t know then.”?
There are so many things …

I learned that what the Bible says is true — men need respect, and women needs to be loved. Shaunti Feldhahn has written some wonderful research-based books, starting with “For Women Only”. The books provide statistical support for what the Bible identifies as the biggest emotional drivers we all deal with.

I learned that love isn’t (just) something you feel, or something you fall into. Did you notice that Jesus never tells us to fall in love, or to be loved? He tells us to love God, and love our neighbors. Love is something we do, not something we fall into. There’s a couple of verses that follow naturally from this — Ephesians 5:21, “submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” and Romans 12:10, “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another”. These have really big implications in marriage — Every time I make a decision I have to think, “what works best for my sweetheart?”

Can I be honest, though? There’s a really big thing that I learned that I haven’t got a really good scriptural reference for. It’s this: Before getting married, talk through the big issues and make sure you’re on the same page before you rush to the altar.

I know there are many more. (And no, I’m not going to provide answers in this piece).
I wonder, did you and your spouse (if you are married) sort these things out before you got married? If you’re planning to get married, do you plan to resolve these issues before you do. If you did address the questions, or if you plan to, before marriage congratulations — you are in a minority. Most of us work it out as we go along. Or (as in my first marriage), we never get it worked out!

In the end it dawned on me that I was making the same mistake as a lot of other people. I was looking for the Bible to answer every question in detail, instead of looking for the principles and applying them. Once the light dawned, I looked for the principle to apply and I found it in 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” Now we have to be careful not to point at this verse and say “see, that proves Christians and non-Christians shouldn’t ever marry”. It doesn’t say that specifically. What it does say is that believers shouldn’t habitually mix with non-believers in their regular activities. When we mix our church, family, fun, hobbies and business activities with those of unbelievers we’re asking for trouble. But from the general principle, the particular follows — it’s dangerous to marry someone whose faith doesn’t line up with yours, and who doesn’t think the way you think. If that’s clear, maybe the detailed questions can wait.

I wish I could share this with the kids … and have them believe me.